Day 13: Like taking cold ones to Newcastle

We’re on our way to Newcastle for tonight’s gig. I’m told that the city of Newcastle is so-called because of the castle, which being built in 1965 (in a kind of brutal modernist style) is apparently the last castle to have ever been built as a defensive fortress in the UK. The Castellians who, legend has it, were a hardy, farming folk, found themselves under attack in 1963-64 from the Broonites, a moody, beer-swilling bunch of barbarians famous for their Newcastle Broon Ale (ABV 4.6%).

Apparently, even today one must produce a passport if one wishes to enter the Free State of Castellia, of which the castle is the heart, soul, and administrative centre.I for one am looking forward to visiting this monument to Man’s folly to Man, though the band seem either deeply uninterested, or highly amused by this desire.

I’m a little disconcerted today, I must admit. I was standing by Dave ‘Big Dave’ Wassell’s van as the band assembled this morning, when Mark ‘Ace’ Jones sidled up to me and whispered “I know your game, Kuntz. I’m watching you,” and pressed a piece of paper into my hand on which was drawn a large black spot. I’m not sure at all what this means, but I suspect it isn’t good.

I find myself sitting in the van beside Alan ‘Roots’ Apperley with whom I share my concerns. “What,” I ask him, “does the black spot mean?” Apperley turns pale at this, and his voice drops to a whisper. “Leave the tour. Leave now.”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Later, after the soundcheck, I take Apperley off for a pint in a nearby pub. I need to know more about the nature of the threat, and my pre-tour research tells me that, like Jones, Apperley is also a highly-respected, internationally-renowned academic with a substantial and much-admired string of publications to his credit. As Apperley talks, his eyes dart about the pub for any sign that Jones might be in the vicinity. “It’s Ace… I mean Mark’s Jack ‘The’ Ripper obsession,” says Apperley in a whisper. “His theory as to the identity of the Ripper is so controversial, he’s reluctant to publish it until he’s demolished all the rival theories.”

Over the next hour, Apperley explains that Jones has for decades now been pursuing the idea that Jack ‘The’ Ripper was none other than Joseph ‘Elephant Man’ Merrick. It seems that a central plank of Jones’s theory is that, contrary to popular depictions of Mr Ripper, it is likely that he wore, not the traditional top hat with which he is usually portrayed, but instead a bowler hat. For years Jones has been trawling archives of Victorian London for any photograph that might depict Merrick in a bowler hat. “If he can find just one, he thinks this will prove his theory beyond all doubt. It’s been an exhausting and unfruitful journey for Ace… er I mean Mark, and over the years he’s been scoffed at by most of the Ripperology community. I fear it’s pushing him towards a breakdown. He’s a powder keg, and I'm afraid that you've lit the fuse.”